Job Interview

I am super nervous, but that is expected. I am excited at the same time. I am hoping that I get this job because I need to get out of my house for the day. I need the money to help pay for my house faster. I love working, it gives me something to look forward to every day. I enjoy working, because I feel like I have accomplished something. I enjoy working, because it helps me to take my mind off of all of the things that are going on in my life.  If I get this job, I will be working at The Children's Place. I hope that I get this job. I don't know how much I will be making, but that doesn't matter to me. Honestly, I could be making minimum wage and not care. I only care about the fact that I will be able to help pay down the loan on the house that we are getting. I am so excited to be getting a house.

Till next time.

-Frankie

Name Change

I am thinking about changing my name, and I can't seem to decide between names. I would love to hear everyone's opinions.

So it is between these two.

1. Mattie Rae
2. Francesca Flora

Please help me.

-Frankie

Kassandra A.

I met you at Deseret Manufacturing. I felt close to you the first day that we met. I see you as a mother figure and I also see you as a friend. I am grateful that we met.  I am so grateful that you were there while I was working there. I am grateful that we are friends.
You are an amazing woman.  You are so lucky to have two beautiful children. You have go through a lot this past year, if you need anything you know that I am always here for you.  I love you so much.  You have helped me to be grateful for the life that I am living. You have made me grateful that I have Evan and that he treats me like a queen. 
I love you.
-Frankie

Recovery

My recovery for my elbow has been annoying and slow. I am sick and tired of being in pain, yet I can't seem to get the pain to go way. I have tried ice, heat, ibuprofen, and Tylenol. If you have any suggestions, please tell me.
I am in physical therapy. I am doing my daily exercises. But I am in so much pain. I wish that the pain would just stop. I am at the point where I wish that I could cut off my arm. Yet I know that it would hurt way more.
I am so sick of being in pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate doing dishes, because it hurts very badly. I can't fold laundry because the motion is in a lot of pain. I can only do one handed things which is very annoying.
I am so happy that my pain is less than it was when I first got my cast off. I went to physical therapy and it helped for four days, but now it is so painful. I am wishing that I was able to go twice this week, but I wasn't.

So my goals for the next week:

• Study for my permit test next week.
• Blog at least two time within the next week.
• Write a post about another person who I care about.
• Finish dishes.
• Finish folding laundry
• Finish organizing my living room to get ready to move.

I will cross out items as I finish my goals.

Until next time
-Frankie

Kristin & Michael

Kristin,
Originally, you were my Aunt. You were willing to take me in when my mom died. I didn't realize that you were trying to help me then, but know that I have moved out and I am on my own, I see that you were there to help me in my time of need. I wasn't willing to accept that. I am know, and I am so sorry for hurting you Michael and the boys, I didn't mean to, but at the time that I moved out, I was "In Love", I didn't care who I hurt because I was only thinking of myself. I now realize that you were only trying to tell me that Eli wasn't that right person for me. I am sorry that I wasn't listening to you. I know that you only did it because you love me and only want the best for me. I am so grateful that you were there for me in my time of need. Now that I don't have you in my everyday life I am grateful for the time that I had with you. I am sorry that I was mean to you. I am sorry that I didn't treat you with the respect that you deserve. I am sorry that I didn't show you how much I love you.

I am so grateful that you adopted me when you didn't have to. I am grateful that you took me in, in my time of need. I am grateful that you showed me how a true mom is supposed to treat me. I am grateful that you showed me what love is. I am grateful to have had you when I needed you the most. I just hope that one day we will be able to have a healthy relationship. I hope that you will be at my wedding. I hope that you will be there when I am pregnant and ready to have my first child, your grandchild. I hope that you can eventually forgive me for the mistakes that I have made in the past few years. I hope that you can forgive me for showing up at your house on Easter. I hope that you can forgive me for everything that I have done to hurt you and your family. I love you more than you can imagine.
- Frankie

Michael,
I am so grateful that you are my dad. I am sad that we have drifted apart because of my lifestyle. I am sorry for hurting you and the boys. I am sorry that I wasn't willing to accept you advice. I am sorry that I was mean to you when I was mad. I am sorry that I lost control and swore at you instead of expressing my emotions.

I saw that you published you book. Congratulations I know how hard you have worked on your book. I remember reading it when it was in a binder.

I would like to thank you for taking me in when you didn't have to. You and Kristin didn't have to do, but you were willing to. I am so grateful that I was apart of you family. I hope that you will be able to walk me down that aisle when I get married. I also hope that you will be there when I have my first child. I hope that you will be able to forgive me for what I have done to hurt you. I love you so much. I am so grateful that you were apart of my life. I am grateful to have had a true father in my life. I wish that I would have been more accepting of you as my father.
-Frankie


I am so grateful that you are my mom and dad.

Camille W.

I met Camille while I was at the hospital. We clicked. You understand me. You are amazing. You have two beautiful kids. I am a little bit jealous that you have kids and I don't. But I love your kids. Camille you are my best friend. You have been there for me when I was at my roughest point, you were there for me when my parents disowned me. Camille you are an amazing woman. You make me a better person. You treated me like a human being when I was in an abusive relationship. You helped me to get out of that relationship. I love you like a sister.  You are gentle, sweet, understanding, and caring. You are an amazing mom, even if you don't think that you are.  You help me when I am having a bad day. You help me when I am struggling with my self image, even if you don't know it. You were willing to adopt my unborn child when I was pregnant.  You are so sweet. You know if I was able to carry to term you would have been an amazing mom to my daughter.  I have learned so much from you. You showed me that I can have an amazing life. You showed me that I can be a better person, and that I can be in a healthy relationship. Thank you for that. Because of you I will be getting to an amazing man. I love you so much Camille.
- Frankie

Family

Evan and I are getting a house. We are really excited.  We are closing in April.  We are getting a four bedroom, it has one bathroom, and 2 half bathrooms. Half baths, only have a toilet and a sink. We are getting a four bedroom house because we are going to be having three or four kids. I am super excited to have kids. I hope that we have at least on girl, I grew up with three brothers, and I always wished that I grew up with a sister. So hopefully we have one girl. I want to have a boy then a girl, then after that I don't care if we have a girl or a boy after that. I am super excited to move into our new house. I will be able to have a garden. I am so excited to have a garden. As a kid, I was always loved to garden. I remember when I was with my birth mom, we would garden, we would always garden on Saturdays. We had tomatoes, and okra. We are also getting a dog, we are going to have a big backyard. I am so stocked. When we get a house and we are all moved in, we are going to have a pot luck. We are going to invite all of our friends. I am really excited.

Borderline Personality Disorder

So, I no longer meet the criteria for BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self
(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
(7) chronic feelings of emptiness
(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms*

I meet #6 and #7

It has been really hard to have BPD. BPD isn't something that can be cured, it is in remission, like cancer. Evan seems to think that I am cured, even though I have explained to him that BPD can't be cured. I love being in remission, I am more stable, I have been able to have a better relationship with Evan, I don't pick fights with Evan.  I am so happy to have a better relationship with Evan. It has helped us to be closer. Being in remission is also like cancer in the sense that there is always a chance that I can always relapse, I can always have more symptoms of BPD anytime in my life.
*DSM-V

My Favorite Music

Music is important to me because it is my way to deal with my emotions from BPD. Having BPD is very difficult.

• Sit Still, Look Pretty - Daya
• Stitches - Shawn Mendes
• Cake By The Ocean - DNCE
• So What - P!nk
• Funhouse - P!nk
• Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F) - Katy Perry
• Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson
• California Gurls Feat. Snoop Dogg - Kay Perry
• Scream & Shout - will.i.am
• Stereo Heats feat. Adam Levine - Gym Class Heroes
• Like a G6 - Far East Movement
• Cheap Thrills - Sia, Sean Paul
• Unsteady - X Ambassadors
• Renegades - X Ambassadors

Elbow Reconstruction

I have finally gotten my cast off. It is so nice to get my arm back.  It felt really weird to feel a breeze on my arm.  It had been 10 weeks since I got my cast off.  I am going to physical therapy today. I am nervous about physical therapy today. I am nervous because I am already in a lot of pain, and I know that going to physical therapy is going to make the pain worse.
For those of you who don't know, I had to have reconstruction surgery on my elbow because in 2014 I jumped off a highway overpass, and I tore tendons in my elbow.  I had my first reconstruction December 2014, but my tendon grafts tore, so I had to have another one. This time, my doctor, who I highly recommend Dr William Gowski, he drilled three holes into my bone, and he wrapped the tendons from one hole to the next.  He told me when I got my cast off that I heal "Way to fast, that most people don't get movement back for about 6 months after they have surgery." I have almost all of my range of motion back. I was at a 90 degree angle for 10 weeks, and now I basically can move my arm all the way straight. I have my motion back to be able to move my hand up to my face. I can only do it for a few seconds before it hurts.  But at least I can do it.

Until next time
Frankie

Surgey

So, I had to have another reconstruction surgery on my elbow. Recovery is taking longer this time because my doctor doesn't want me to re-tear my tendon grafts again. I have been in a cast from my fingers up to my armpit. I am so excited for March 8th, 2017, I am getting this horrible cast off. I have been stuck at a 90 degree angle since January 10, 2017. I am counting down the days. I am so excited, and so nervous, what if I have no muscle, what if my arm is nasty looking. I am going to get a manicure after I get my cast off, my had is in such bad shape, my fingers are peeling, it is so gross. I am so ready to get this stupid cast taken off. I am going to acrylic nails on during my manicure. I am so excited. My cast is so itchy. I can't wait.